I decided it was time to declutter my emotional life. Here are the 6 concepts I decided to cut out of my life recently to help declutter emotionally. Choosing these concepts was based on thinking about things that are renting space in my head that are not beneficial to my emotional well-being or physical health. I also explain what I replaced these thoughts with that I think is healthier for me. I discuss my reasons why in detail so that if any of this resonates with you, you can be inspired to do something similar. Here's my list of decluttered concepts:
- Success
- Hustle culture
- Other people's expectations
- Comparison
- Conformity
- Surface appearance
Then I'll talk about some tips for doing your own emotional decluttering.
1. Success
Lots of people define themselves by their jobs. It's one of the first questions people ask when they meet someone new: "What do you do for a living?" Even the way the question is phrased implies that people should live to work. Then there's the added stress of how your job and its title reflect on you from a social perspective. Would a doctor marry a janitor, and would they proudly tell people what their spouse does for work? Do people who earn money in less socially acceptable ways cringe when they're asked about their job?
And as for the question people ask children about what they want to do when they grow up, I think it says a lot about how they are raised when they answer with something like "I want to be a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, an astronaut," etc. There are not enough kids who respond with an answer about wanting to be kind, cure cancer or eliminate poverty or hunger. Those are the kids who are something special and I hope they hold on to that mindset into adulthood.
In the same way, success is measured (at least in my country) by how attractive someone is, what they own, and how big their bank account is. Unless they're born into a family that has money, people seem to believe this all success and the lifestyle that go with it comes from getting the right job.
I'm going to be very blunt here. This mindset that a career defines who someone is as a person is one that comes from privilege. I think it's most prevalent in places like North America and certain parts of Europe and Asia. Someone living in poverty, with worries about housing, lack of food, and unmet medical needs is a lot less likely to have time to think about their "dream job." Being poor or having a low-paying job or one that isn't prestigious doesn't make a person bad, stupid, lazy, or unsuccessful. To believe this is ignorance.
That being said, I have the privilege to NOT pursue a dream job or career. If I had to think about it, a dream career would be something creative, which is the opposite of what I do now. But I don't want my art, sewing, crochet, or other hobbies to be tainted by the pressure of meeting customer needs, running a business, and having the public critique any decisions I make. That's why I go to work solely to pay my bills.
In other words, I plan on working to live, not living to work. My job does not define me, and I don't need to find a career to feel like I have a purpose or to feel whole.
2. Hustle culture
I know a lot of people my age have a regular job, plus a part-time job or a side hustle. Or, they're self-employed and working every day, 12 hours per day or more. Unfortunately, there are many people who can't afford to live off of a single source of income, but I wouldn't call them part of the hustle culture. They're not working that much by choice; it's to survive.
In contrast, the hustle culture group chooses to work like crazy so they can build up a bunch of money quickly--because they want to be rich, they're saving for something big, or they want to retire early. There might be other reasons, but I'm not aware of them. If you know, feel free to help me out in the comment section.
I really don't understand voluntarily taking on this amount of stress, even temporarily. There's a high amount of burnout associated with this type of behavior. It's bad enough that there's an increase in people being forced into early retirement because of health reasons, but I can't help but think that hustle culture is just contributing to it.
The worst part is how people glamorize this lifestyle. They make it seem like if you're not overworking yourself, you're not working hard enough. I wonder how these people feel when they're unable to work any longer. If their "hustle" was their life, then what do they have left when they stop hustling?
Hustle culture isn't for me. I'd rather choose slow and intentional living. Maybe it'll take me longer to reach my goals, but at least I'll have balance and a chance to enjoy the journey. I'm not interested in betting on a possible future life that may or may not happen when I could be living in the guaranteed present.
3. Other people's expectations
Everywhere we turn, there are people ready to tell us what to do. There are ads telling us what to buy (and implying that our lives are better if we do). Our families and friends, either well-meaning or blatantly controlling, lay out for us what they think our lives should be and the decisions we should make. And the previously mentioned expectations don't even cover employers and how much influence they have on how we spend our days.
It can often feel like we're living our lives entirely at the whim of others' expectations. Everything from how we look, how we act, what we believe, what we eat...even what we think! And if we don't follow the rules, then unsolicited advice and criticism come rolling in.
I know all about this. I'm different from the norm in a lot of ways, and people have been very freely pointing that out to me for as long as I can remember. Even when they don't verbalize their expectations, I've also experienced a sense of silent criticism in response to actions that they clearly didn't approve of.
Well, I'm tired of it. There are things about me that I simply can't change; they're inherent to who I am because I was born that way. Other parts of me are choices, and I choose to not change them.
From now on, I'm making the conscious decision to live by my own decisions as much as possible. I don't think anyone can completely step away from what other people want from us. But I'm going to try my best. And not in a confrontational way, either, because that's not really my style. I'm just going to be me, unapologetically.
4. Comparison
Different from other people's expectations, the comparison is a problem when you're doing it to yourself. I think there's way too much competitiveness these days.
You know that saying about comparing apples to oranges? I feel like comparing any person to another one is like comparing an apple to an orange. Sure, we all have some basic things in common as humans. But realistically, we are all too different to really compare to each other. Even two siblings who grew up together will be very different in how they interpret their experiences, their preferences, and how they choose to move forward in life. If you think about you and your siblings, or families you know that have more than one child, I'm sure you'll agree. Even identical twins (I grew up going to school with at least 3 sets that I can remember) have different personalities and usually grow up to create very individual lives for themselves.
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| How do you like THEM apples? 😂 |
I don't believe that a little competition is healthy. I think the healthiest way to go is to do the best you can to create a life filled with balance, kindness, and purpose, all while making health a priority. If everyone did that and helped to support their friends and neighbors to do the same, then I think the world would be a much better place than this competition-laden, comparison-heavy society we live in.
I'm choosing to take a more positive path myself. I'm going to focus as much as possible on taking care of myself and accepting myself as I am, right now. I also know it feels good to help other people, so I will do that wherever I can, and see what I can do about incorporating that as a regular part of my life.
5. Conformity
I consider this a separate concept from both other people's expectations and comparisons, although they are all related. If conformity were a fully realized ideal, then I imagine there would be several people with lots of money and influence who would dictate how everyone else should strive to live. There would be a lot of cookie-cutter humans with cookie-cutter lives. How boring!
And not at all realistic, either. People who think outside the box are the ones who foster change and growth in this world. They often receive a lot of grief for it, but their instincts drive them to keep going. Even if they don't succeed, their mistakes or failures give us valuable insight into what could be done differently next time. Lack of individuality would lead to stagnation in the development of society.
People may not understand how a non-conformist's mind works. That's alright. It isn't the responsibility of an original thinker to explain themselves or try to persuade someone else to think the same way. Their only responsibility is to be true to themselves.
I'm not going to claim to be some sort of monumentally innovative person who's going to change the world as we know it. But I do want to honor my non-conformist thoughts and beliefs. Maybe I'll do a separate post about them in the future. I am also going to try to be more aware of how I speak to other people. I think it's a natural tendency for most people to think that if someone disagrees with them, they must be wrong. Then, the next step is to argue your point and get them to change their mind. Does that ever work? It hasn't for me! So I'm going to try to stop doing that, and just accept other people's right to have their own thoughts.
6. Surface appearance
Although this concept could arguably fall under some of the other categories, I wanted to make this a separate discussion because I think it's something that's important enough to be addressed on its own.
I'm not immune to concerns about my appearance. I didn't grow up wearing a lot of make-up (my multi-ethnic heritage made it tough to find products that worked well with my skin tone) and I was kind of in my own little world when it came to fashion. I didn't make these choices with much thought at first about their relationship to my self-perception. But it's hard to practice self-love and self-acceptance when your peers are constantly fretting over how they look. Or, when that insecurity spills over on to you: "You'd look so pretty if you wore some make-up," or "You're so...earthy." Ummm, thanks?!?
It seems like concerns about looks are starting at a much younger age. I've actually had to mute the Instagram accounts of some of my younger cousins because I can't bear to watch what they're doing to themselves. They post pictures that are way too revealing for tweens and teenagers. Even the boys. I would say something to their parents, but I doubt it would make a difference. Based on what I know of the "adults" and how they act, I suspect they're not setting the best example for the younger generation; they're all just as worried about their looks as the kids.
There isn't a problem inherent to caring about your looks. The problem is when that's prioritized over other things, like taking care of your body on the inside. Like spending crazy amounts of money on those 9-step skin care systems or diet pills with ingredients that can cause heart failure, instead of feeding and hydrating your body properly and staying active.
In the end, everyone is still going to get older, and sometimes you can't help when something changes with your looks, body shape, or weight. The effectiveness of all these surface treatments is questionable, not to mention potentially harmful. There's also the problem where comparison culture, conformity, and worries about appearance intersect, and people try to force their faces and/or bodies to look like other people's or how they think they "should" look. This is pretty much never going to get the desired results; our genetics and other factors are always going to get in the way.
I can't say I've never tried a fad diet or a special cream. But that was back when I was too young and naive to understand the value of doing research about things before I tried them. There are so many so-called experts out there who will say anything to get some money from you, and they don't know what they're talking about. As for product manufacturers, they can flat-out lie about things and get away with it. For example, here in the U.S., a food product can be labeled "natural" and it means absolutely nothing from a nutritional standpoint. Many products aren't even required to be tested for safety or purity before they're put on the market, and will only get pulled after enough people get sick or die.
Once I started fact-checking these products, I made the decision to stop risking my health in the name of surface appearance. I'm also not worried about doing other things that are less risky but are just for cosmetic purposes. For example, I can't remember the last time I wore make-up. I also don't own any garments that are supposed to make you look skinnier (like Spanx), or push-up bras, or high heels. Or anything else that is uncomfortable and meant to contort my body to make it look "better."
How to do your own emotional decluttering
The first step in deciding how to emotionally declutter is to discover negative concepts that are part of your life--some of which you may not even be aware of. Some, I knew right away that I wanted to work on. The others I picked through a quick online search. I found a Reddit thread that talked about toxic concepts that are normalized in today's society. I read through the posts and found ideas that resonated with me. Then I asked myself if I was letting these negative ideas affect my life, and how.
Next, I figured out ways to think and act that would be more beneficial to me emotionally.
This is the easy part. The hard part is putting this change into practice. I have a few ideas for how you can do this:
- Meditation. The benefits of meditation are well-documented at this point, both by thousands of years of anecdotal evidence and more recently by research. In general, meditation helps to remove clutter from your thoughts. There are several great apps, many of them free, that offer guided meditation/visualization on various topics, from self-esteem, anxiety, chronic pain, and sleep. I've also taken yoga classes where we meditated at the end, which was really nice.
- Therapy. I don't believe there is an adult in this world who wouldn't benefit from therapy (even the therapists themselves). Sometimes, our negative thoughts come from deeper-rooted issues, and the causes are things that we simply aren't equipped to deal with on our own--and therefore, we need experts to help us. There is nothing wrong or shameful about that. To me, it's the same as getting a mechanic to work on my car or an engineer to make sure a building design is structurally safe. These are things I don't know how to do on my own, so I would ask for help.
- Commit to the process instead of the goal. People get so focused on achieving a goal that sometimes they take ill-advised shortcuts, or get frustrated and give up when the results don't come as quickly as expected. A better way to approach emotional change is by focusing on the process you take--make the journey your goal, rather than the destination. For example, commit to meditating 20 minutes per day without expectations of results. Just focus on learning how to meditate and enjoy taking this time to care for yourself. Isn't it more likely to be beneficial than if you spend that 20 minutes wondering why you don't feel better yet, or how long it will take for your mind to calm down?
- Change your focus. Instead of putting energy into the negative thoughts, spend time focusing on the positive concepts. This isn't the same as avoiding bad things--hiding from something doesn't solve anything, it just puts the issue off until later (at which time it may be a bigger problem). Here's an example of what I mean: instead of looking in the mirror and saying "I hate ___ about myself," I can find the qualities I like. For example, I like the color of my hair. My eye color is pretty, too. I don't think there's anything conceited about this. I'm observing a part of myself that I'm happy with and appreciate, instead of looking at things I dislike and concentrating on them. This is not avoidance, in which case I would avoid looking at the body part in the mirror that I don't like, but still ruminate on how bad it looks. Do you see the difference? And it isn't just wishful thinking that this actually makes things better for you, either. In a Huffington Post article from 2017, they talked about research that "thoughts alone can improve vision, fitness, and strength," and how practicing gratitude makes the body produce more dopamine.
- Remember that only you get to decide how you react to something. Nobody can "make" you feel anything. And although sometimes it feels like your emotions can be out of control, there are ways to get them back in check. One of the easiest is to stop for a moment and take a few deep breaths. Another is to get some exercise. You can also journal, talk with a friend, or scream into a pillow (sometimes you just have to let it out to get past it!).
Making the decision to change my thinking is just the first step. The rest is a long process that I will commit to working on for as long as it takes. If you have any other ideas you think are prevalent today but are unhealthy, feel free to mention them down below. Then write a healthier concept you think it should be replaced with and inspire others!
